Johno "The Horse" Leary - Goalkeeper
One of Valley Rangers most notorious goalkeepers. Played in goal for Valleys B team since the introduction of the second team. Occasionally likes to leave in the odd easy goal, but does that to keep his defence on their toes. Came to fame when he ran into his own goal post, nearly knocking himself out. To be fair to Johno he has pulled off some top class saves and made some great runs with the ball from his own goal, so I think he deservers some credit for that. Johno is adored by his female friends because he is hung like a horse.

John "Bruno" Rumley - Right Back
John "thou shalt not pass and if thou try, thou shall be minus a few limbs" has had a good season apart from another rash that may have come from the same classy bird as Fitzy. Is a very cute operator. Has had a few red cards over the years but should get sent off every match as he is an animal but he gets away with it. Has been known to go missing during matches but is always in the middle once a fight breaks out. Came close to jail and becoming an alcoholic over the year.

Mike "Tyson" Walsh - Defender/Hatchet
Mike likes the 'shall we say' physical side of things. Has great time for referees and they have great time for him too. Lots of opposition players like Mike too as he is always kicking, belting, head butting and eye gouging them. He has been a great inspiration for the younger players such as the two Hogans.

Paddy "Shaggy" Lane - Sweeper
Unlike his brother Jim, Paddy actually was a good player who had a lot of talent. He is also now retired due to excess drink and fags. He is the George Best of this team. Quality sweeper who liked to play good football. No one would go near him as his hair was infected with every possible disease.

Noel "Gander" Leary - Centre Half
Noelie is 6'3 tall and 3'6 wide. Noel played with the underage teams up through the years and then the 'B' team. Never made the breakthrough into the 'A' team as he became fond of the beer and he slowed down a bit(to a snale pace I'd say). I would like to see the size of him now. Was often seen wearing sunglasses while watching a match protecting the evidence when he got "beat up" in Fermoy. We all know what really happened!!

Alan "Fish" Carr - Defender
Another protege of Billy Snr. Very quiet and evil looking like his father!! Very composed and confident on the pitch and will be pushing for a first team place next year when he will be pushing his seven brothers and five cousins for a place in the squad.

Brendan "Gaffer" Hickey - Sweeper (Player Manager)
Always picked himself in the team in fairness to him. Very small but a big heart even though there are not too many brains. Mixed the managers job in well even though there were no trophys at the end of the season and we all know where the buck stops!! Best sweeper in the team. Another man touching on alocoholism.

Jim "Useless Ba**ard" Lane - Sweeper/Midfield
Officialy retired (we hope) as he was playing so poorly it was getting embarrassing. Jim has never heard of the saying self praise is no praise. Jim thinks and often said publicly that he was the best player Valley have ever had. Unfortunately, everyone else knew that he should not even have been in the first team. Not a man for the big day. Scored more goals against us than for us. Himself and the gaffer used to love telling each other how much they loved each other during games.

Dermot "The Animal" Bolger - Defender
One man where it is wise to pull out of a tackle with. Plays the odd game with the 'A' team and fits in perfectly. Transferred from Ballyduff and who'd blame him. Has not had much success with the 'B' team because they were crap last season.

Mike "The Bollo*ks" Fitzgerald - Centre Half
Mike played at the heart of the defence at the start of the season. Very strong and beaten very rarely although he is known to be a bit slow in more ways than one. Mike just played the first part of the season because he feels that he can come and go as he pleases. Good man for the liqour as well. Likes playing with toasters.Fairly handy hurler although he is slow in that too!!

Sean "The Bull" Twomey - Centre Half
A rock for Valley this year in the heart of defence and is the best defender in the Red House League. Has trained most of the team beside him up through the years. Missed start of season which deprived him of an Oscar Traynor outing. Second eldest player in the team. He'll be 37 next season. He's been known to get players drunk before big games by serving them all night. Gave away an own goal in a 1-0 loss in the most important game in the history of the club.

Aidan "I didn't touch him" Hogan - Left Back
Another class act in the defence this season even though he missed the important half through being in love and exams. We all know about her now Hogan!! Got a few red cards over the season that were very controversial. Was it a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I doubt it!! Very skillfull attacking full back. Would have made the Oscar Traynor cup but for biased selectors and a lack of effort. A bit like Lizarazu exept that Hogan was a bit slow due to a bit of excess weight.

Niall "Quiet but Lethal" Riordan - Defender
Brought up through the youth ranks, this player made his first team break through this season. He will surely be pushing for a first team place next season depending on whether or not he scores with Vivienne Carr. Along with the younger Hogan, Colin, both have been marked for death by Twomey if they touch his younger cousin. This summer may sadly see the demise of one of Valleys young stars.

Damien "Lanky" Farrell - Left Midfield
Damo has had a very consistent year at left midfield. Loves to play against the waterford teams and beat the pulp out of them. Has a quality left foot only problem is that he cannot use it!!Another one who plays a bit of hurling.

Billy 'Junior Baiano' Carr - Center Midfield
He has more nicknames than a Geordie alcoholic. A la David Beckham one of the more consistent players on the team, unfortunately knocked out with a dreadful finger injury for a number of games. Without a doubt all the media attention he got during the year over the 'Dancing Queen' saga affected him. As a result, he has gone to Malta to escape the glare of the Avondhu and Dungarvan press.

Billy 'Senior Baiano' Carr - Center Midfield
Rumored to have played on the great Brazil team of 1970, Senior had been rolling back the years earlier this season before a double hamstring injury affected him. Produced some sterling performances up to the foot and mouth scare but the injuries caught up with him late on in the season, despite going to such extreme lengths as shaving his legs to see if it would make him go faster. Many await with baited breath to see if he can join his 2 sons and 2 nephews on next years team.

Ted "Ted" Leary - Anywhere
Ted is a great club man and held a record there and still does for longest time without scoring. Can play anwhere on the team except on the field. Gives great rallying speeches that we all love and want to hear more of. Not!!

Padraig "Spacer" Noonan - Midfield
Paudie has unreal talent but only shows it when he is awake and that is not too often. Likes to spend a lot of time looking into space during games. Always late for games. Thinks of himself as a bit of a ladies man like his cousin Sean but has more luck than our big Centre half does. Good diver too!

Richard "Posh" Keeffe - Midfield
Contrary to what I thought this unique individual actually did play soccer with Valley. That must have been some sight. They cannot have won anything when he was playing. I refuse to believe he was actually playing but I got some hot info that he did, so fair play to ya Rich. Best of the luck with the marriage thing although I'd watch Dick if I were you. He is only waiting for the chance to slip in there.

Richard "Dick" Leahy - Anywhere
This Tipperary knacker moved his caravan to Conna a few years back. Played the odd game when he wasn't getting sick on the sideline. Had a lovely sweet left foot. He was always dying on a Sunday after fighting and bottling fellas in Fermoy the previous night. Was a good friend of Don Juan but still couldn't get a game. Likes to give out to referees and his team mates. He gives a great deal on gates. Seems to have retired at a young age of 22.

Shane 'Killer' Kearney - Midfield/Striker
The angry man of the team, Shane plays like Yogi Bear woken up from his winter hibernation and the only honey that calms this bear down is called Michelle. Kearney was one of the top performs this season with his darting appearances in the box, and he also played some fine football on Sunday mornings. He plays like a man with a hangover (and he usually has) but still manages to do more work around the pitch that many other players. Older brother of Forest star Liam, he also plays a small bit of hurling.

Patrick "Dope" Flynn - Center Midfield
Pa is an excellent soccer player. He needed the brute force of sunny beside him to look good. Another martyr for the drink. Was even paler than a ghost on the field. Likes to think he is the best penalty taker in Valley when in fact he missed all the important ones. Had to be literally dug out of bed by Don Juan De McCarthy every morning before the match. He is related to Spacer Noonan which is obvious. Has also retired at a young age due to liver poisoning.

Martin "Sunny" Keeffe - Center Half
Former 'B' player. More famous for his former car than his playing capabilities. Big strong awkward and useless are words that come to mind. His partnership with Pa Flynn in midfield was watched by people far away. Never put in the effort to progress into the 'A' Team not that we wanted him. Known to ruin any promising young talent by turning them into alcoholics like himself!!

Johnny "The Man" Lonergan - Defender/Midfielder/Striker
This man is around longer than sliced bread. He is 55 next year. He is still playing a bit with the 'B' team. He is a pure football fan and does not like the long ball game. A great club man and supporter through the years. Maybe thats why we have won nothing. My tip to be a future manager after the player revolution to get the current gaffer out.

Donal "Kaiser Sose" O' Leary - Midfield
This living legend is a past player who had to give it up due to work committments. Brother of the Horse, Donal was a great player in his day, running and running and running and running. If he could have hit the ball and score he would have been an even better player. Known to play the odd game in goals too when we were desperate. Another man always late for games as he is another Farmer.

Colin "Red Card" Hogan - Striker
Brother of the other tramp on the team Aidan. These two boys must have had a few problems at home during the year as they spent more time suspended than on the pitch. Good striker when not kicking defenders. Will replace Fat Man next year up front.

Terence 'Teddy Boy' Rumley - Striker
Finished the season as the leagues top goalscorer. A man for the for the small occassion. Terence did everything right this season except score in the 3 important games. Nevertheless, credit must be due for scoring the goal of the season against Mogeely, a 40-yard volley in to the top corner, and for picking up the golden boot. Had a great season overall.

Kieren "Goal Machine" Hickey - Striker
Kieren actually does score a lot of goals. How you may ask? Good question but he just does. Always seems to be in right place to score when he can drag himself out of the pub. Brother of the Gaffer so gets a game whenever he turns up! Another one touching on alcoholism!

Tony "Where has he gone" Harper - Midfield/Striker
Tony just vanished into thin air in the last few years. Was always on the 'A' team but then he disappeared. Scored a lot of good goals and tried hard but he missed quite a few as well. Very quiet and dedicated and didn't like to go drinking the night before a big match. Maybe that's why he wasn't playing for the 'B' team under their strict guidelines. If anyone has seen him lately, let us all know!

Sean "Cranky" Buckley - Striker
Another past player.The fish man was a great striker who moaned a lot if it meant he had to run to get a pass. Had a brilliant goal ratio which kept him in the team even if he was lazy. He recruited a few player as well, which meant any chance he had of managing a team later in his years are gone as the players he recruited were lazier than himself! Enjoyed the old cigarette at half time and even during the game. He used to enjoy the referees as well.

Gordon"Fat Man" Bryan - Midfield/Striker/Waster
Fat Man re-signed a couple of seasons ago, after a brief spell with Phil Babb in the second team. Gordono fancies himself as the Luis Amor Rodriguez of the team. Needs to lose about 10 stone if he is to go back to the days were he was faster than Billy Snr. A pretty boy with fancy skills, this season he has scored more off the pitch (with Louise) than on it. Once a fight breaks out, Fat Man can be seen sprinting away from any fight because he would be afraid he might break a nail. Plays hurling too but he's worst at that. Was performing very well early on in the season scoring a brilliant goal down in Ferrybank but we should have brought out the Viagra as he faded in the final quarter. A sign of other problems perhaps??? Second Top scorer this season. Dead Certainty to be dropped to the 'B' team and if we had a third team, he wouldn't even make that.

Derry "Wellington Man" Leary - Coach
But for this man, the club simply would not be able to survive. Does great work for the club since he was never any good at actually playing. Great linesman. Can be fair sometimes and unfair most of the time as he was trained well. Can be a bit tight when it comes to buying drink for the players but even if he bought us ten pints each, the rest of the team would still be complaining and since we have won nothing, we deserve nothing!! Derry is currently in the middle of a project of getting us into the good books of a well know referee!!

Alan "Don Juan" McCarthy - Coach
What is there to say about our McCarthy. Founder of the 'B' team. The only reason he founded it was because he was too useless to make the 'A' team. His selection process was very peculiar. The sicker you were from drink on a Sunday morning, the better chance you had of being started. Known to give rousing speeches at half time with all the players laughing at him afterwards. Played the odd game too when they were missing ten regulars. He liked to think he was good with the birds but we all knew they were paid for. He is now training to be a guard so i better stop abusing him! Pig or sorry Alan came close to gaining promotion one year but his star striker Rumley missed loads of chances again proving he is not a man for the big game!!